Title: How to Fake a Platonic Relationship...Or Die Trying
Notes: No particular spoilers but definitely EWE
HOW TO FAKE A PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP…OR DIE TRYING:
A User’s Guide by Harry James Potter
A User’s Guide by Harry James Potter
If there is one thing, and only one thing, you must remember, it is this: DO NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND.
Make it your code, your mantra.
Tattoo it on your brain.
If you’ve gotten this far, the first step has failed and things are now tougher for you. Fine.
Defeating a Dark Lord wasn’t built in a day…or something.
Now take a deep breath and repeat after me: “I will not ravish my best friend”.
Say this in front of a mirror with your right hand up.
Repeat as many times as necessary, especially when she prances around the flat in that little blue dress.
Or in those shorts. Or that ratty old sweatshirt.
So, yeah, basically everything.
Just…deep breath… “I will not ravish my best friend.”
Also: never say that she “prances” within hearing range unless you want to be hexed. Again.
Sharing a flat with the object of your unrequited affection can be tough (see above example). However, following some simple guidelines can be useful.
Remember to respect each other’s boundaries. Draw that line.
Cuddling on the couch can be considered straddling that line.
To avoid torturing yourself again with an incident (like the one last Saturday), commit her shower schedule to heart.
Divvy up the household chores.
As much as possible, assign yourself to tasks that involve any bending over.
Because there will be staring. This is a guarantee.
Should this measure fail and you catch yourself staring at the appropriate inappropriate areas, mentally slap yourself.
Repeat the mantra.
And thank Merlin for loose robes.
Clearly, some days are more difficult than others.
In the event that she solicits advice on a guy, count to 10 slowly.
This will help curb the impulse to dismember said guy into a million pieces.
On the occasion that she catches you dismembering anyway (or putting the fear of the Boy Who Lived into the prat, whatever works), tell her you’re doing it (1) for her own protection, (2) because there’s something Voldemort-ish about the guy, or (3) because you want to be sure she gets the best.
Lie if you have to.
Spend some time fortifying your mental shields while you’re at it. The damned witch has gotten really good at the Legilimency.
Throw people off the scent. Date occasionally.
Try to enjoy yourself.
Realize that all this acting could come in handy if you ever decide to audition for the West End.
Do not start thinking about curly brown hair or warm amber eyes while talking to the blonde from Magical Sports…Amanda? Ashley? Aragorn? Whatsherface?
Do try to remember your dates’ names.
Pecks on the cheek or the forehead, arms around shoulders, hugs…touching is fine. After all, she is your best friend. However, do not linger.
Anything that lasts more than 6 seconds is lingering.
Learn to time yourself.
And always remember that when she gives you one of her trademark hugs, you will eventually have to let her go.
There will be times when she will wake you up because you’re having a nightmare.
Marvel at the fact that she instinctively knows when you’re having a nightmare.
Let her comfort you, dry your tears and hug you.
But don’t let it go too far.
You’ve watched When Harry Met Sally (under duress, you might add). You know how this works.
If she decides to stay with you for the night and cannot be dissuaded, leave enough room on your bed for safe and appropriate space between occupants.
Ignore the fact that she nestles against you anyway.
Also, ignore the voice telling you to shrink the bed.
Do not forget that this is only temporary. She will find someone. Eventually, you’ll never get to do this again.
However, for the night, just hold her.
In the morning, forget the way she felt in your arms.
When another goddamned reporter waylays you on your way to work and asks about “your girlfriend, Hermione Granger”, do the smart thing and walk away.
Try not to smile smugly.
Going out with a group of friends is safe and can be enjoyable. The number of people will serve as a buffer and a distraction.
Unless one of the friends happen to be Ronald Weasley.
In which case, ignore whatever he says, all of which boils down to one message: “Stop being a git and tell her already”.
Try not to notice his eyeroll either. Or those from everyone else.
Another point: never ever get drunk with Ron Weasley ever again. You have a tendency to blurt out secrets that no Weasley should ever know.
Dining out can be tricky.
Do not to watch her mouth or her throat when she swallows her Butterbeer.
Do not stare at the tiny dab of sauce at the corner of her lips.
Most of all, do not fantasize about licking off said sauce while she rambles on about House Elf Rights.
Learn how to fake an interest in peas.
Do not glare at the waiter who dares to flirt with her in front of you. Be civilized.
Talk to his manager instead.
And if all else fails, non-verbal wandless magic has its perks.
Dining out, as previously shown, poses a lot of hazards. As an alternative, staying in has its pros and cons.
Pros: You are alone with her.
Cons: You are alone with her.
Do not blame anyone else for your predicament.
Okay, blame her.
It’s her fault she’s so bloody irresistible.
There will be times that you will want to just throw up your hands and tell her the truth.
Identify what will trigger this response: a new boyfriend, a “platonic” kiss, the sound of her voice, the Dress again, Firewhiskey.
Be smart. Avoid all triggers like the plague.
WARNING: should the above steps fail, the combined psychological stress and physiological response may lead to extreme acts that are against the interest of this guide.
Namely, exploding like a frustrated, lovesick, mad volcano and telling her that you’re in love with her.
Should this happen…do try not to shout the fact in her face. It’s not very attractive.
Preferably, do not do it in the middle of something mundane. Like washing the dishes.
Most of all: Do. Not. Panic.
Toy very, very briefly with the idea of Obliviating her.
When she doesn’t respond for several minutes, allow for a little panic.
Monitor your breathing and your pulse to confirm that you are not having a heart attack/aneurysm/stroke.
Try not to take it personally when she laughs at you and calls you an idiot.
When she launches herself at you and starts kissing your face off, decide that this is a very good thing.
Do not drop her.
Do not dance a jig when she pulls away and tells you she loves you too.
Do kiss her again. Repeat as necessary.
Place a Silencing Charm and an Anti-Apparition Ward on the flat – Ron has perhaps the worst possible timing in the world.
And finally…chuck this guide into the fireplace.
You never were very good at faking things anyway.